“A LOVE LETTER TO MY MOTHER”
After leading a very healthy lifestyle for decades, I was diagnosed with stage two ovarian cancer in 2020. This came at an incredibly challenging time just 8 months after Covid. One of the secrets of going through life is how you handle unexpected obstacles that come your way and the amount of emotional hardiness you have to deal with these challenges.Although she was deceased at this time, my mother provided the strength I needed to live my life after being diagnosed with cancer. It is profound how my memories of the lessons she imparted continued to guide me, even after her passing. Her strength and the love she demonstrated when she was alive, likely served as a powerful source of inspiration during my most challenging times.
Through my cancer journey, my mother’s influence encouraged optimism, kindness and resilience. I thought I would share some of these lessons I learned from my mother which helped me through my cancer nightmare.
My Mother’s Lessons: Strength in her Wisdom
Doing for Others
My mother modeled doing kind gestures for others. She would bring over food if someone had surgery, was not feeling well, or was grieving over the loss of a loved one. If a neighbor needed assistance, especially if they lived alone, she would check in on them to make sure they had what was needed.
For me, her positive actions modeled the importance of helping in ways that improved the lives of others. Her caring and compassionate nature enabled me to be compassionate with other cancer patients, many who had worse diagnoses than me.
Love and Resilience
Growing up my mother was a latch key kid. Because of this, she always wanted to be home when I came home from school at the end of the day. She had the choice to take two part time jobs that allowed her to be home when I arrived. This experience allowed me to recognize the importance of support from family.
She was a great listener when I had problems at school or with friends. She provided the support I needed without judgement and was always present to offer me empathy, by providing a safe space for me to express myself.
Her modeling gave me confidence to offer emotional support to others in my nursing career and as a health advocate. Her modeling helped me listen to and support other cancer patients I met during and after my own treatment.
Perseverance
As I reached adulthood, my mother taught me that when faced with problems to always look at the glass as half full. Focusing on the positive side of what one has and can control, rather than what is missing. This allowed me to have hope as I underwent chemotherapy.
My mother worked tirelessly to provide for my brother and myself during difficult times. She always prioritized her children with her unwavering commitment to our well-being. This helped me when I am in meetings with other health professionals discussing the best options for my patients and communicating their needs to the physicians and other family members.
My mother’s reactions to my father being out of work for a year and her own surgeries over the year helped me understand how important it is to overcome setbacks and bouncing back after losses. Her resilience laid the foundation for how I have navigated my own challenges, especially during such a difficult time as cancer treatment and survivorship.
It provided a unique perspective on my perseverance and healing, not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. This experience has influenced the way I approach my work with patients who face similar circumstances.
Continuous Learning
My mother deeply valued education. She encouraged me to be curious and embrace new experiences, and always sought opportunities to expand my knowledge. She frequently took me to the library, encouraged me to read in order to learn new things and was a voracious reader herself.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, my husband and I read everything we could from valid sources on the internet about cancer, treatment options and clinical trials to try to understand what was happening to me.
Finances
When it came to finances, my mother was very practical and had a no-nonsense approach. She coached us not to spend money we did not have and the importance of saving money. Her foundational lessons included how to handle money, by not spending above our means and prioritizing savings. This helped me to evaluate expensive treatment and genetic testing options.
Nutrition
I was brought up in a household that generally ate healthy foods. When I got to be around fourteen, my mother enrolled in a Weight Watcher’s program and lost 35 pounds. She was asked to become a Lecturer for them and was offered a franchise in a nearby state. She refused the franchise, but took the job as a lecturer in our state of Rhode Island. It was at this time that she transitioned our family to the Weight Watchers diet. In the seventies, this diet was based on a system of points and exchanges for fruits, vegetables, milk, bread, fat, and protein. Our family did not participate in the points, but we all increased our knowledge of healthy eating habits.
Her journey with Weight Watchers not only led to her personal success but also shaped the way our family approached food and nutrition. Our family focused on the educational aspect and making healthier decisions overall. That made a profound change in my eating habits and influenced my wanting to increase my knowledge base by taking courses on how food affects one’s health.
This increased knowledge has helped me assist my patients in making informed decisions about their health and connect with them in a more meaningful way.
Discussion about Death
Going through this experience for myself, I learned how stories from the past, movies, books memories, and time with friends, can provide needed escape if we let them. These escapes offer a kind of magic-helping sustain us through difficult times.
As a very young girl, I had a specific question about the timing of death for both my mother and myself. When I told my mother I wanted to die the exact same time she did, she explained how we will both face death at different times in our lives. I was very upset that I would not be able to find her in heaven and kept asking “how will I find you if we die at different times”?
My home address growing up was “19 Pilgrim Drive”. My mother went on to explain that when I die and reach heaven, I can look for our address, go to our street and then I will find her at our home. The idea of finding my home address, along with my mother was a simple yet profound testament to the depth of her understanding of my younger self, along with the fear of being separated from her.
The connection my mother fostered between us has significantly increased my comfort level in engaging with others on deeply personal topics. By listening to individuals' stories and discussing the subject of death with my patients, friends, and family, I have developed a greater sense of understanding and empathy. This ability to navigate such sensitive conversations has not only deepened my relationships but also allowed me to support others in more meaningful ways.
She taught me to face life with resilience, always strive for kindness, prioritize family, embrace learning, never stop growing, and to always be grateful for the little things, navigating challenges with a positive attitude and unwavering support for myself and others. Looking at life with optimism and hope fosters emotional fortitude and resilience.
This mindset has empowered me to face challenges with strength, and I encourage other cancer patients to draw strength and hope from their own personal experiences, just as I have. By embracing a hopeful perspective, we can cultivate the inner resilience needed to navigate the toughest moments.
Linda Winkler Garvin ©
Linda Winkler Garvin, MSN
Health Advocacy & Consulting
President & Founder, Patient Advocate Bay Area, Inc.
Ambassador & Advocate for The Clearity Foundation
E-mail: lindawgarvin@gmail.com
Phone: (510) 520-0186
Web: patientadvocatebayarea.com
